Self Care Journal 23?

Self care journal 23

What was your favorite subject in school?

I really can’t remember what number journal this is. That’s how long I’ve been away. Anywho…

My favorite subject in school has always been English Language Arts. ALWAYS. As I’ve grown older and learned more about myself I’ve started to understand why…

1. I was good at it. Hands down honesty. I was a very bright student and generally did well in all subjects but the “careless mistakes” in math and science classes drove me to misdiagnosed depression. (90s undiagnosed ADHD girl represent!) The fact was that English classes had much more room for error, flexibility, and interpretation. “Good critical thinking” felt a hell of a lot better than “Watch for careless errors.” So I went with it.

2. I actually liked it. This was refreshing to recognize. I have a bachelors degree in English and throughout most of my undergraduate education I shamed myself for just “taking the easy way out”. I literally just couldn’t with some of the other courses that sparked my interest (ahem, psychology? Yeppp) so I just assumed I had settled. But the truth is those english class discussions about poetry and literature and writing fueled me in ways that I actively miss on a daily basis and I feel whole again when I meet another lit major.

3. Things changed. I decided to “get my shit together” and force myself to stop being lazy and go to grad school to live out my dream of being a therapist. I KNEW it was possible and I was capable I just had to stop being so damn lazy and do the work. (These ADHD thought distortions seriously make me cringe). Welp, turns out that my favorite subject in graduate school was actually… you ready for it? Effin RESEARCH?!?! Still blows my mind to this day. I literally almost didnt apply to grad school because I was afraid of the research classes. I had tactfully maneuvered my way to not having to take a single math class since high school and here I was in damn research. Thriving. All I can say to this is that mindset matters. A lot. The only way I learned that I loved this stuff, much less could even do this stuff, was the through courage of confidence that comes with believing it’s possible to overcome the “careless errors girl” identity that I had so significantly adopted.

4. Things changed, but not completely. I rode the high of my newfound “research girl” identity for a while and i truly believe it started and shaped my career. I felt smart, and for the first time in my life I forgot the word lazy even existed. I was now productive. I was now functional. I’m grateful for this now known part of myself. But the biggest revelation out of this whole reflective exercise is realizing that I can like something and be bad at it, or good at it. I can be good at something and love it or hate it. Just as much as being great at English doesn’t mean I love it, it also doesn’t mean I hate it. I just adore it. I still do and always have loved reading and writing. Period. No further analysis needed.

2 responses to “Self Care Journal 23?”

  1. This was something I needed to hear! I’m learning a new language to become an interpreter, and I’m so glad for the message, “now do the work”! And your story is interesting, and you have a lot of messages in your experience. Love the read!

  2. I love that you get to write now! 🙂

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